I like my coffee black just like my metal

I also like my tea green just like nature.

Just a shirt update. Things seem clouded. My partner and I are working through some issues and my great grandma died. Her funeral is tomorrow.

I feel numb, calm. But waiting. For it all to fall.

Good day and good night.

The sun is out but I'm not there

I don't know what to write. I can barely put a sentence together. I'm scared everytime I post on here it's unread or just laughed at. I mean who writes likw that? Does she know how uninteresting she is? Does she thing she deserves to do this? Don't tell me she things she's good enough to breath. To eat. To live.

One day I don't want to be alone and hurting and crying myself through a day. One day I want people to see I'm hurting. One day I want someone to realise the fact I wasn't late for work took so much out of me, I don't leave my bed any other day. Maybe that I need telling when I've done something right because I feel everything I do is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to out. I don't know how to do this and how to live. I don't know and I'm sorry.

How does one "Sex"

Long time no blog. It feels good to have my computer keys at my fingertips again and not be making small updates by phone. It just didn't feel the same. This isn't quite right still considering my desk is broken so I'm shoved into a tight space, they keyboard and mouse practically on top of each other.

Today's blog is about sex. It's a topic some would rather not speak about and others have no problem. I struggle talking about this openly. I struggle having sex. Getting interment is hard for me. I don't like being seen naked and since was a child hated being touched. It's been a growing issue with my partner as he as a high sex drive and would do it multiple times a day if he had his way. It makes me feel like a failure, completely pathetic. Even when we get to a point where we could have sex I let him down.

Don't get me wrong, I love my partner and think he is sexy. I don't have any problems doing things to him. The problem arises when he wants to touch me. I'd rather hide under layers of jumpers and cry in a corner. When we first met we couldn't get off each other which probably confuses him more. I go through periods where I'll fuck anything and that's how I was when I met him. I felt out of control and wild. My life was falling apart and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My mind was set on self destruct.

At that point I was overdosing almost daily and the effects where being bed ridden for days. Some times I remember fainting in the middle of my kitchen and being there for hours till someone checked up on me (I lived in the YMCA then). The days after overdosing would be a black blur, moving shakily out of bed to get a drink for my parched mouth and only managing to weakly drop the glass and smash it before passing out again. I didn't have the strength to lift a kettle and spend days throwing up my stomach bile before I started the cycle again. Booze, sex and drugs. Anyone who could I could no matter the effect then I'd hate myself and and try escape from my life. From who I was.

I still don't know who I am but I don't seek it from pills and an empty bottle of vodka.

Sex is something I'm not equipped to come with yet. Whether it's from bad past experience I hate to even mention or my frantic lust a few years ago or my low low body image. Who knows. What i do know is medically no one cares. People only hate me for it.

Time is precious

It's already February. I don't quite believe it, a twelfth of the year gone. I have no savings (that little house I want is a long long way away) and my attempted to eat more healthily have been overrun with more bad for than good.

My partner has had his bike stolen and lost his job and is spending all his time at mine. As I like to write alone this makes it hard to post. It's not like this is a secret, he knows I have a blog, I just like to keep my thought secret from anyone who knows me. Do you know what I mean?

I'll post a real update when I get the time.

Olivia

New Year Blues

Hey, sorry I've not posted for a while, been dragged down but this whole NEW YOU! thing. It's 2015 and I feel as shit as I did in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011 and so on and so on. I wanted to start jogging in the mornings again; I've only got up early twice this new year. I wanted to eat healthier; binging on SO MANY THINGS. You think when I ask myself 'apples or 10 bags of crisps' I'd pick apple. But no. No. NO.

I feel this will continue to be a long long rant. I want to change but obviously not enough. I wanted to start knitting and I've done about 3 rows and never looked back. I'd say after this I will change but I know that's a lie. I feel stuck and lost and lonely and useless and worthless.

I feel like too many sentences this post start with I.

You are beautiful <3 I don't know who you are or what struggles you have gone through or are going through but, inside and out, you are beautiful.

Sorry again. I'll post again when I clear my head.

Doctors: Failure to Care

The year is quickly coming to an end and 2015 is upon us. It's time not to think about what I've not achieved last year but what I will next year. I'm in the process of trying to think of some New Years resolutions but I've not decided on them yet.

As I think back I can't help but remember the lack of care I've received from the NHS this year.  feel pushed aside and ignored. I'm in a better place now than I was earlier in the year but I'm still far from feeling like I could live a happy life. Earlier in the year I was hospitalised for trying to kill myself and all I remember from that trip is one doctor. He came to my bed and told me I didn't deserve that bed. I'm wasting that space. Someone who really needs the bed could be there. I'm not important and the fact I wanted to end my life wasn't important. I got discharged with one appointment which concluded I didn't need any more help.

From that I tried myself to get some help. Nothing happened and two weeks ago I made an appointment to see what was going on. I asked about my referral that was given 8 months ago and they said it was busy and I needed to wait more. In the mean time I should stop smoking. Stop smoking. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going.

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family, friends and partner who support me and I know my life isn't bad but whither it's a problem with me or the way people are expected to live these days, I'm not happy. I get lost in the mazes of my mind and fall in invisible traps which drag me into a dark hole. When I try to break free I mess up anything I've worked for. Leaving those I love for small thrills, freedom of destruction and fast limitless  energy. There is no control or a dark control.

In the past I've no always been open to doctors and people, shamed of what's in my mind and the fact I can't get out of bed to get to work on time at 2pm. I'm pathetic I know but sometime, just sometimes, I gather up the courage to tell them something is wrong. And they throw it back in my face. They don't care.

Have they failed me or have I failed myself?

Merry Christmas!

Firstly I'm going to wish you Merry Christmas in case I don't get chance to later. It's a busy period and I've been on here less than I would have liked. This is partly due to work and my partner being in hospital. Thankfully he's okay and on the mend but my mind wasn't really in the blog writing mindset.

Christmas gift wise I'm almost done, just a few things for my other halves family which he was going to get but I'm sure they'll understand why they're late! I always worry I'm not spending enough or the gifts aren't good enough but I've tried my hardest and stretched my bank balance as much as I can so maybe I should start realising it is enough (or almost at least haha).

This time of year can make me feel a little less lonely because family is closer but I dread the upcoming January. After New Years there is nothing to look forward to apart from rainy days and empty pockets. Maybe my feet won't freeze one morning. The after Christmas blues hit me strong. In an active attempt to avoid them I've been thinking of taking up some hobbies which might help me forget where I am in time. I've always been fascinated with making "my own" look. Wigs and strange make up with mix of random clothes so I want to start making my own clothes! I don't want to start with sewing (because I can't afford a sewing machine !! ) and knitting and winter seem to go hand in hand. I have a old pair of needles and two balls of wool packed up somewhere from a failed attempt to knit last year so I will get them out and trying knitting a scarf to warm up those January Blues.

Have a Merry Christmas and keep your head up!