Winter is Coming

It is cold cold cold. I don't know about you but I'm freezing all the time now. I just want to snuggle under a cover and eat a lot. Tomorrow I'm going to change a few things, starting by moving a bit more. Winter makes me lazy. I had planned to start jogging again but I've been having bad hip pain when I walk and the doctors seem to think it's growing pains.. I'm twenty, thought they would have stopped.

Thus post has been short and lacking in any real detail I'm afraid but I lose motivation in the cold. I'll warm up soon.

Happy living!

Approval or Identity

Some people know who they are and know what they're doing is at least right with them. Sadly, I am not one of those people. I really don't mean to seek people approval or apologise about everything I do. I don't want the thoughts about minute of the day ringing in my head telling me I'm not good enough, what do they think of me, should I have said how I really felt? Telling people what they want to hear makes me miserable and doubt my own decisions and personality but it makes them happy. So it's alright. Or so I tell myself.

My identity is at risk. Occasionally I want it to come out of my she'll but the fear of other peoples opinions keeps me in. I tell my superiors at work that the mental in my face and the colour of my hair is a temptory phase and have it out the next day. Yet a few weeks later it creeps up. Maybe it is a phase but it is who I am now so why am I trying to hide it. I'm fortunate enough to work somewhere where I can express myself aesthetically and not be too badly judged but I still try hide me. I mean what do they think of me. Would they like me better if I looked like this? Would I be prettier thinner? Would they be jealous? 

Will I ever find my true self and be happy with it...

People everywhere

I can never decide whether I need people around me or I just want people around me. I don't have very many friends and can spend weeks with no one contacting me. If it wasn't for my mum checking up on me and my partner always trying to keep me a hug away I'd be incredible lonely. The moment the door closes and they've gone I'm lonely. So lonely I curl up and can't move, I don't want to eat or breath or live. Without someone there I don't want to live. It irritates anyone close to me, who wants a friend this needy?

Yet when people are with me I hate them. I hate those who are more confident that me and those who are less annoy me. I feel I put up with people because I have too. Work and out publicly. Although mostly work since I don't go out often. Don't think I hate my family or friends, I love them I'm just not good at people. Or maybe I am because I can keep a smile on and keep faking a laugh when all this races thoughts my head.

Why is there this need for people but this hate of being around anyone? Am I so self centred people are just tools to me? This blog feels like me me me me but I made it to talk about what's on my mind not about other people. Did I just try justify myself to myself? I'm sorry, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this right now.

Thank you if you read this, I'm off out for a cigarette.

Tonight

I can honestly say I haven't felt this worn out in a long time. Back to work after a short break and it only takes two days to reduce me to a sofa curling state. I'll tidy up before work tomorrow. Or lay in.

Sleep is a massive part of life, we need it but we don't always want it. Some days I wish to close my eyes and hope they never open while other days I curse sleep. I want to do everything and anything and never want to stop and go on and on. No one really knows why we need to sleep.

Why can't we have the ability to sleep only when needed? Sleeping in only gets rolled eyes and a few lazy comments. Don't they understand we can't help it? Any comfy setting is a calling for us.

I write this while dozing off myself so sorry if it makes little sense.

Recently is not one of those times where I want to be awake and experience it all. These times are sleep times. Sleep away all horrors.

Sleep tight.

Introduction

I've read a few blogs on here over the years in my sleepless nights. I believe while we all act as one person during our duties of life, we are truly someone else when we are away from work, family and loved ones. Or at least those of us lonely enough to hide our real thoughts from the world.

Rejection is painful. Love can be overpowered by hate. Sorrow is a dark hole. Loneliness is more painful than a knife. 

I once believed my thoughts were positive even in their darkest hours but as I've grown up I don't believe that any more. Like a lot of people, I've lost the light most people have in their lives. Days come and go and some time I think that giving up looking is the best way to proceed but this blog is my proof that I've not given up yet.

After all, aren't we all just looking for the light?