Doctors: Failure to Care

The year is quickly coming to an end and 2015 is upon us. It's time not to think about what I've not achieved last year but what I will next year. I'm in the process of trying to think of some New Years resolutions but I've not decided on them yet.

As I think back I can't help but remember the lack of care I've received from the NHS this year.  feel pushed aside and ignored. I'm in a better place now than I was earlier in the year but I'm still far from feeling like I could live a happy life. Earlier in the year I was hospitalised for trying to kill myself and all I remember from that trip is one doctor. He came to my bed and told me I didn't deserve that bed. I'm wasting that space. Someone who really needs the bed could be there. I'm not important and the fact I wanted to end my life wasn't important. I got discharged with one appointment which concluded I didn't need any more help.

From that I tried myself to get some help. Nothing happened and two weeks ago I made an appointment to see what was going on. I asked about my referral that was given 8 months ago and they said it was busy and I needed to wait more. In the mean time I should stop smoking. Stop smoking. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going.

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family, friends and partner who support me and I know my life isn't bad but whither it's a problem with me or the way people are expected to live these days, I'm not happy. I get lost in the mazes of my mind and fall in invisible traps which drag me into a dark hole. When I try to break free I mess up anything I've worked for. Leaving those I love for small thrills, freedom of destruction and fast limitless  energy. There is no control or a dark control.

In the past I've no always been open to doctors and people, shamed of what's in my mind and the fact I can't get out of bed to get to work on time at 2pm. I'm pathetic I know but sometime, just sometimes, I gather up the courage to tell them something is wrong. And they throw it back in my face. They don't care.

Have they failed me or have I failed myself?

Merry Christmas!

Firstly I'm going to wish you Merry Christmas in case I don't get chance to later. It's a busy period and I've been on here less than I would have liked. This is partly due to work and my partner being in hospital. Thankfully he's okay and on the mend but my mind wasn't really in the blog writing mindset.

Christmas gift wise I'm almost done, just a few things for my other halves family which he was going to get but I'm sure they'll understand why they're late! I always worry I'm not spending enough or the gifts aren't good enough but I've tried my hardest and stretched my bank balance as much as I can so maybe I should start realising it is enough (or almost at least haha).

This time of year can make me feel a little less lonely because family is closer but I dread the upcoming January. After New Years there is nothing to look forward to apart from rainy days and empty pockets. Maybe my feet won't freeze one morning. The after Christmas blues hit me strong. In an active attempt to avoid them I've been thinking of taking up some hobbies which might help me forget where I am in time. I've always been fascinated with making "my own" look. Wigs and strange make up with mix of random clothes so I want to start making my own clothes! I don't want to start with sewing (because I can't afford a sewing machine !! ) and knitting and winter seem to go hand in hand. I have a old pair of needles and two balls of wool packed up somewhere from a failed attempt to knit last year so I will get them out and trying knitting a scarf to warm up those January Blues.

Have a Merry Christmas and keep your head up!

Life just isn't fair

We all know it and a lot of us live it. Life isn't fair. Some people get everything given to them on a silver platter while others work all their lives and get very little back. This post isn't about dwelling on what we don't have and the hard falls that fall upon though, it's about remembering what we have. Reading that back to myself I almost cringe because it sounds so cheesy but that doesn't make it untrue.

Whether it be family, friends, money, love or all and more that you have little of at least one time in your life haven't you always come out of it better in some other aspect of your life? Or even just learnt something. I'm, not great at making people feel any better or trying to say what's on my mind but I'm having a go. That's more than I would have done before, even that's something.

Other people may seem to have everything but maybe you don't know them as well as you think you do, maybe they think YOU have everything.

I don't really know what I'm saying once again, sorry.

Remember you're perfect as you.