The year is quickly coming to an end and 2015 is upon us. It's time not to think about what I've not achieved last year but what I will next year. I'm in the process of trying to think of some New Years resolutions but I've not decided on them yet.
As I think back I can't help but remember the lack of care I've received from the NHS this year. feel pushed aside and ignored. I'm in a better place now than I was earlier in the year but I'm still far from feeling like I could live a happy life. Earlier in the year I was hospitalised for trying to kill myself and all I remember from that trip is one doctor. He came to my bed and told me I didn't deserve that bed. I'm wasting that space. Someone who really needs the bed could be there. I'm not important and the fact I wanted to end my life wasn't important. I got discharged with one appointment which concluded I didn't need any more help.
From that I tried myself to get some help. Nothing happened and two weeks ago I made an appointment to see what was going on. I asked about my referral that was given 8 months ago and they said it was busy and I needed to wait more. In the mean time I should stop smoking. Stop smoking. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family, friends and partner who support me and I know my life isn't bad but whither it's a problem with me or the way people are expected to live these days, I'm not happy. I get lost in the mazes of my mind and fall in invisible traps which drag me into a dark hole. When I try to break free I mess up anything I've worked for. Leaving those I love for small thrills, freedom of destruction and fast limitless energy. There is no control or a dark control.
In the past I've no always been open to doctors and people, shamed of what's in my mind and the fact I can't get out of bed to get to work on time at 2pm. I'm pathetic I know but sometime, just sometimes, I gather up the courage to tell them something is wrong. And they throw it back in my face. They don't care.
Have they failed me or have I failed myself?
Hey, I've just started following your blog :)
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I'm so sorry you've had such horrid experiences with the NHS. I had a psychiatrist see me in hospital a few years ago, who told me I was wasting a bed for being on a medical ward for my eating disorder (even though I was too unstable for the psych ward). That stuff sticks with you. And being told to stop smoking when sometimes it's the only coping mechanism you have... ugh.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how supportive and understanding your friends and family are. They can be the most wonderful people in the world, but you need the doctors and people with resources to listen to. I don't mean that to come across the wrong way - but sometimes I tell myself I shouldn't complain about needing more support, because I have my family and some people don't, but at the end of the day the doctors are the ones who should be listening.
So, no, you have not failed yourself. I don't know you, but you said you've reached out and asked for help, and they've refused. That is not your fault.
Take care <3
xxBella
Thank you for following me :)
DeleteIt seems to me that some doctors don't understand or don't want to understand how much of an impact people's mental state can have on their lives.
Thank you, I feel less like an attention whore now, sometimes it's nice to be told you're allowed to have help you know?
Thanks, Olivia x