Long time no blog. It feels good to have my computer keys at my fingertips again and not be making small updates by phone. It just didn't feel the same. This isn't quite right still considering my desk is broken so I'm shoved into a tight space, they keyboard and mouse practically on top of each other.
Today's blog is about sex. It's a topic some would rather not speak about and others have no problem. I struggle talking about this openly. I struggle having sex. Getting interment is hard for me. I don't like being seen naked and since was a child hated being touched. It's been a growing issue with my partner as he as a high sex drive and would do it multiple times a day if he had his way. It makes me feel like a failure, completely pathetic. Even when we get to a point where we could have sex I let him down.
Don't get me wrong, I love my partner and think he is sexy. I don't have any problems doing things to him. The problem arises when he wants to touch me. I'd rather hide under layers of jumpers and cry in a corner. When we first met we couldn't get off each other which probably confuses him more. I go through periods where I'll fuck anything and that's how I was when I met him. I felt out of control and wild. My life was falling apart and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My mind was set on self destruct.
At that point I was overdosing almost daily and the effects where being bed ridden for days. Some times I remember fainting in the middle of my kitchen and being there for hours till someone checked up on me (I lived in the YMCA then). The days after overdosing would be a black blur, moving shakily out of bed to get a drink for my parched mouth and only managing to weakly drop the glass and smash it before passing out again. I didn't have the strength to lift a kettle and spend days throwing up my stomach bile before I started the cycle again. Booze, sex and drugs. Anyone who could I could no matter the effect then I'd hate myself and and try escape from my life. From who I was.
I still don't know who I am but I don't seek it from pills and an empty bottle of vodka.
Sex is something I'm not equipped to come with yet. Whether it's from bad past experience I hate to even mention or my frantic lust a few years ago or my low low body image. Who knows. What i do know is medically no one cares. People only hate me for it.
I'm kinda the same. I either have zero interest in sex, or I'll jump anything that moves. I think it's part self-destruction, part a weird control thing for getting past abuse (it's like, reclaiming sexuality as a positive). I can't really explain it, my thoughts on the matter are so frantic. But no matter what, sex makes me feel out of control.
ReplyDeleteSince my ED developed it's put a big spanner in the works. I actually used to love my body, I felt confident and attractive. I think I was making positive steps. Now I hate being seen naked, I can't stand for my stomach/hips/thighs to be touched. It's always been a complicated issue because of trauma, but now it's just...
I hope one day you're able to be comfortable with your sexuality. It's a shame that our struggles can get in the way of something that most people see as wonderful.
Take care <3
xxxx