I can never decide whether I need people around me or I just want people around me. I don't have very many friends and can spend weeks with no one contacting me. If it wasn't for my mum checking up on me and my partner always trying to keep me a hug away I'd be incredible lonely. The moment the door closes and they've gone I'm lonely. So lonely I curl up and can't move, I don't want to eat or breath or live. Without someone there I don't want to live. It irritates anyone close to me, who wants a friend this needy?
Yet when people are with me I hate them. I hate those who are more confident that me and those who are less annoy me. I feel I put up with people because I have too. Work and out publicly. Although mostly work since I don't go out often. Don't think I hate my family or friends, I love them I'm just not good at people. Or maybe I am because I can keep a smile on and keep faking a laugh when all this races thoughts my head.
Why is there this need for people but this hate of being around anyone? Am I so self centred people are just tools to me? This blog feels like me me me me but I made it to talk about what's on my mind not about other people. Did I just try justify myself to myself? I'm sorry, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this right now.
Thank you if you read this, I'm off out for a cigarette.
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