Some people know who they are and know what they're doing is at least right with them. Sadly, I am not one of those people. I really don't mean to seek people approval or apologise about everything I do. I don't want the thoughts about minute of the day ringing in my head telling me I'm not good enough, what do they think of me, should I have said how I really felt? Telling people what they want to hear makes me miserable and doubt my own decisions and personality but it makes them happy. So it's alright. Or so I tell myself.
My identity is at risk. Occasionally I want it to come out of my she'll but the fear of other peoples opinions keeps me in. I tell my superiors at work that the mental in my face and the colour of my hair is a temptory phase and have it out the next day. Yet a few weeks later it creeps up. Maybe it is a phase but it is who I am now so why am I trying to hide it. I'm fortunate enough to work somewhere where I can express myself aesthetically and not be too badly judged but I still try hide me. I mean what do they think of me. Would they like me better if I looked like this? Would I be prettier thinner? Would they be jealous?
Will I ever find my true self and be happy with it...
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