Doctors: Failure to Care

The year is quickly coming to an end and 2015 is upon us. It's time not to think about what I've not achieved last year but what I will next year. I'm in the process of trying to think of some New Years resolutions but I've not decided on them yet.

As I think back I can't help but remember the lack of care I've received from the NHS this year.  feel pushed aside and ignored. I'm in a better place now than I was earlier in the year but I'm still far from feeling like I could live a happy life. Earlier in the year I was hospitalised for trying to kill myself and all I remember from that trip is one doctor. He came to my bed and told me I didn't deserve that bed. I'm wasting that space. Someone who really needs the bed could be there. I'm not important and the fact I wanted to end my life wasn't important. I got discharged with one appointment which concluded I didn't need any more help.

From that I tried myself to get some help. Nothing happened and two weeks ago I made an appointment to see what was going on. I asked about my referral that was given 8 months ago and they said it was busy and I needed to wait more. In the mean time I should stop smoking. Stop smoking. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going.

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family, friends and partner who support me and I know my life isn't bad but whither it's a problem with me or the way people are expected to live these days, I'm not happy. I get lost in the mazes of my mind and fall in invisible traps which drag me into a dark hole. When I try to break free I mess up anything I've worked for. Leaving those I love for small thrills, freedom of destruction and fast limitless  energy. There is no control or a dark control.

In the past I've no always been open to doctors and people, shamed of what's in my mind and the fact I can't get out of bed to get to work on time at 2pm. I'm pathetic I know but sometime, just sometimes, I gather up the courage to tell them something is wrong. And they throw it back in my face. They don't care.

Have they failed me or have I failed myself?

Merry Christmas!

Firstly I'm going to wish you Merry Christmas in case I don't get chance to later. It's a busy period and I've been on here less than I would have liked. This is partly due to work and my partner being in hospital. Thankfully he's okay and on the mend but my mind wasn't really in the blog writing mindset.

Christmas gift wise I'm almost done, just a few things for my other halves family which he was going to get but I'm sure they'll understand why they're late! I always worry I'm not spending enough or the gifts aren't good enough but I've tried my hardest and stretched my bank balance as much as I can so maybe I should start realising it is enough (or almost at least haha).

This time of year can make me feel a little less lonely because family is closer but I dread the upcoming January. After New Years there is nothing to look forward to apart from rainy days and empty pockets. Maybe my feet won't freeze one morning. The after Christmas blues hit me strong. In an active attempt to avoid them I've been thinking of taking up some hobbies which might help me forget where I am in time. I've always been fascinated with making "my own" look. Wigs and strange make up with mix of random clothes so I want to start making my own clothes! I don't want to start with sewing (because I can't afford a sewing machine !! ) and knitting and winter seem to go hand in hand. I have a old pair of needles and two balls of wool packed up somewhere from a failed attempt to knit last year so I will get them out and trying knitting a scarf to warm up those January Blues.

Have a Merry Christmas and keep your head up!

Life just isn't fair

We all know it and a lot of us live it. Life isn't fair. Some people get everything given to them on a silver platter while others work all their lives and get very little back. This post isn't about dwelling on what we don't have and the hard falls that fall upon though, it's about remembering what we have. Reading that back to myself I almost cringe because it sounds so cheesy but that doesn't make it untrue.

Whether it be family, friends, money, love or all and more that you have little of at least one time in your life haven't you always come out of it better in some other aspect of your life? Or even just learnt something. I'm, not great at making people feel any better or trying to say what's on my mind but I'm having a go. That's more than I would have done before, even that's something.

Other people may seem to have everything but maybe you don't know them as well as you think you do, maybe they think YOU have everything.

I don't really know what I'm saying once again, sorry.

Remember you're perfect as you.

Winter is Coming

It is cold cold cold. I don't know about you but I'm freezing all the time now. I just want to snuggle under a cover and eat a lot. Tomorrow I'm going to change a few things, starting by moving a bit more. Winter makes me lazy. I had planned to start jogging again but I've been having bad hip pain when I walk and the doctors seem to think it's growing pains.. I'm twenty, thought they would have stopped.

Thus post has been short and lacking in any real detail I'm afraid but I lose motivation in the cold. I'll warm up soon.

Happy living!

Approval or Identity

Some people know who they are and know what they're doing is at least right with them. Sadly, I am not one of those people. I really don't mean to seek people approval or apologise about everything I do. I don't want the thoughts about minute of the day ringing in my head telling me I'm not good enough, what do they think of me, should I have said how I really felt? Telling people what they want to hear makes me miserable and doubt my own decisions and personality but it makes them happy. So it's alright. Or so I tell myself.

My identity is at risk. Occasionally I want it to come out of my she'll but the fear of other peoples opinions keeps me in. I tell my superiors at work that the mental in my face and the colour of my hair is a temptory phase and have it out the next day. Yet a few weeks later it creeps up. Maybe it is a phase but it is who I am now so why am I trying to hide it. I'm fortunate enough to work somewhere where I can express myself aesthetically and not be too badly judged but I still try hide me. I mean what do they think of me. Would they like me better if I looked like this? Would I be prettier thinner? Would they be jealous? 

Will I ever find my true self and be happy with it...

People everywhere

I can never decide whether I need people around me or I just want people around me. I don't have very many friends and can spend weeks with no one contacting me. If it wasn't for my mum checking up on me and my partner always trying to keep me a hug away I'd be incredible lonely. The moment the door closes and they've gone I'm lonely. So lonely I curl up and can't move, I don't want to eat or breath or live. Without someone there I don't want to live. It irritates anyone close to me, who wants a friend this needy?

Yet when people are with me I hate them. I hate those who are more confident that me and those who are less annoy me. I feel I put up with people because I have too. Work and out publicly. Although mostly work since I don't go out often. Don't think I hate my family or friends, I love them I'm just not good at people. Or maybe I am because I can keep a smile on and keep faking a laugh when all this races thoughts my head.

Why is there this need for people but this hate of being around anyone? Am I so self centred people are just tools to me? This blog feels like me me me me but I made it to talk about what's on my mind not about other people. Did I just try justify myself to myself? I'm sorry, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this right now.

Thank you if you read this, I'm off out for a cigarette.

Tonight

I can honestly say I haven't felt this worn out in a long time. Back to work after a short break and it only takes two days to reduce me to a sofa curling state. I'll tidy up before work tomorrow. Or lay in.

Sleep is a massive part of life, we need it but we don't always want it. Some days I wish to close my eyes and hope they never open while other days I curse sleep. I want to do everything and anything and never want to stop and go on and on. No one really knows why we need to sleep.

Why can't we have the ability to sleep only when needed? Sleeping in only gets rolled eyes and a few lazy comments. Don't they understand we can't help it? Any comfy setting is a calling for us.

I write this while dozing off myself so sorry if it makes little sense.

Recently is not one of those times where I want to be awake and experience it all. These times are sleep times. Sleep away all horrors.

Sleep tight.

Introduction

I've read a few blogs on here over the years in my sleepless nights. I believe while we all act as one person during our duties of life, we are truly someone else when we are away from work, family and loved ones. Or at least those of us lonely enough to hide our real thoughts from the world.

Rejection is painful. Love can be overpowered by hate. Sorrow is a dark hole. Loneliness is more painful than a knife. 

I once believed my thoughts were positive even in their darkest hours but as I've grown up I don't believe that any more. Like a lot of people, I've lost the light most people have in their lives. Days come and go and some time I think that giving up looking is the best way to proceed but this blog is my proof that I've not given up yet.

After all, aren't we all just looking for the light?